14/07/22

I am seeking specificity. Each person's mannerisms are what makes them unique to me. Sure, it's more nuanced than just mannerisms, we can consider contexts, histories and so much more. This further instigates me to look for the details in people and things around me, as much as myself. I will continue arguing with people when they blindly use the word 'curry' to talk about Indian food. I don't care if it sounds anal or annoying. maybe if everyone were more careful about how they speak about things, things wouldn't lose their contexts and histories as quickly. what is the point of simplifying things when the cost is a loss of uniqueness? I don't think I've yet found enough specificity in myself or my work. Nor do I think being more difficult to understand or explain yourself contributes to specificity. I just mean that details are what build layers in something, anything. Sticking to the details of a curry my mother makes vs a curry I make, is what makes a difference between our foods. There is no one "curry". fuck your curry powder. I am also tired of other POC simplifying our foods in order to cater to the narrow-mindedness of other people. Why can't we celebrate diversity and intricacy instead of losing it? It is truly very tiring to constantly have to explain yourself and your background. I know it. But I would rather be tired of this than watch people stay ignorant and indifferent because we were all just too tired.

02/12/22

once again found myself in a kdrama scene - this time was a bit too close to home as this character is someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. so, it hit me hard. my obsession with self-image and memory is partially to do with the fact that my memory has been weakening over the years and time has become increasingly fluid. when someone asks me anything on the lines of "so, how have you been?" i have to run through my brain to try and remember the past few days - and I'm never fully sure if what I remember is the truth. I've started to rely more and more on archives in my phone and social networks to recollect the past. I don’t know yet if this is a truly bad thing to happen but it does give me a sense of emptiness since I'm relying on "external drives" to remember my very own experiences. seems like a loss of some kind.